The Things That Matter Most

I'll be 40 in less than 2 years. Lately I've been looking back at my life more. At events and situations that I've overcome. At people that are and were in my life and my relationships with them. I would like to think I am wiser and calmer now, although I know I still have a long way to go.

I graduated college in 2005. Got my first real job in the same year. Dated my now husband in 2006 and got married in 2009. I have spent most of my adult life with my husband, in Houston, Texas. I work hard on my marriage and myself. I work hard on creating a relationship and partnership that I want and proud of with my husband. I work hard on me and the person I am bringing to this marriage. This somewhat of an epiphany appeared today as I am driving home. Marriage is a big deal. Not the wedding, not the party, but the union of two people. Two different people that will always evolve and change. Human beings do not stay the same. Thus a marriage evolves too.

When we got married in December 2009, I was 27 years old. I knew then that marriage would not be a walk in the park. I knew there would be challenges. I knew. However, knowing and actually living and doing it are completely different things. 

My parents were not successful in their marriage. They got a divorce when I was in my senior year of high school. I was almost an adult but not quite. I had years of internal struggle and anger. I kept doing good academically. I did not go crazy and never put my life or future in jeopardy, but inside it was tumultuous. Knowing what I know now, I was not OK back then. Nonetheless, I grew up. I forgave. I accepted and even celebrated. I'm good now. I am OK now. Which is important because I want to be internally peaceful as I parent Lila. All the pain and anger that I felt should not be passed down to my child or projected in my relationship with my husband. That is why I said I work hard on my marriage. I've been working hard on me and the things I consider important in my life. My child, my husband, my marriage, and myself are important to me. That is why my self healing is crucial. That is why I protect my energy and set boundaries now. I know the only thing I can control is me. So I protect myself fiercely. I love myself fiercely. I no longer put myself second. My energy is precious. I am selective on who or what I'm giving it to. 

I love where I am right now, emotionally speaking. I am in a relationship where I feel like I am truly half of the equation. I contribute to the whole, and the other half, which is my husband, is doing the same thing. Individually we are allowed and supported to be our own person and version of what we want to be. I like my relationship with my husband. I like my marriage. I like the person I am married to. I feel safe and respected. I feel at home. 

Looking back at my life, I don't regret anything. I am thankful for everything that happened. Everything I had to go through to get me to this point.